Ya Gotta Have Faith: Surviving the Fantasy Basketball Season

“I won my league last year,” a coworker of mine told me when I asked him about fantasy basketball before this, my inaugural season. “I think I was probably the only one still playing.”

The fantasy basketball season is a long and torturous beast, and it seems like just surviving the 20 weeks of the regular season may be the hardest part.


My two leagues are no different. In my roto league, one team, DCMetro Fire started talking shit the very first week.

Beacuse of scheduling of the first games, he had a tremendous lead on all of us. He soon gave up after I stomped the fuck out of his “team,” and now, in the same league, the leader is wondering if anyone is still interested in losing to him.

It’s basically me and him now, and I’m not sure he knows he has a cap on games played.

My coworker was right. But honestly, I think people get too discouraged after losing in basketball because of the extended scoring formula. With games every night, it really takes a lot out of you to lose incredibly slowly over the course of a week. Most people end up leaving the league or just not paying attention. There are a few different types of losers in fantasy basketball:

1) Just draft.–I mean, you drafted players; isn’t that enough?

2) Give up after a few weeks.–Reality check: you’re a soccer fan at heart.

3) Check in every month or so–Keep telling yourself this makes it easier to lose somehow.

Consequently, if you still have a reason to keep playing, there is always that one dick in the group. You know, the one who has 300 more roster moves than everyone else and feels a compulsive desire to fully stock their roster every single game with possible nobodies in a vain attempt to not just win but get the most points each week. This is the type of dickwad I’m currently left with in my friendly league.

The psychology of a dumbass dickface can be difficult for some rational normal people to understand, so let me explain. This person is DESPERATE. No, for real. The chances that this twat is going bananas in 12 other leagues is about 99.9%. Frankly, changing your roster everyday is a real hassle for anyone with more than two friends. The weekends, where you have to wake from a rum coma to move guys off your bench, are the absolute worst. Yet, these guys accomplish all their moves and trades well ahead of time, so that they can accomplish this in every league.

Case in point: friendly league dickface OKC Tornadoes has an average of 400 more moves than anyone else in the league, and he still managed to lose. In fact, his raging trading and dumping has him a whopping 2 games ahead of me, which doesn’t really matter at all since we’re based in 4 different divisions.

Friendly league dickface number 2 and “Saturday Night Live” joke writer your mom is probably just tired of me whoopin’ his ass. He started off the season slowly, but eventually went on a 9-game win streak, which I abruptly ended of course. I’ve beaten him 3 times now, and he seems to be getting desperate for a W. He’s second to me in our division, so I could understand the hatred. He’s also second in moves overall with a hundred plus more than me. I’m up 10 points, and he just cleared his roster out to try and beat me with my 6 players.

So, ultimately, my inaugural fantasy basketball experience has been a tale of two overriding emotions–disappointment in the fact that so many people gave up so quickly and made half of my wins feel hollow and worthless, and pride in the fact that I don’t have to commit every second of my life to a fake sport and can still wipe the floor with fanatical idiots.

Up and down, some might say. But in the end, I’ve had a blast, managed to not talk too much cyber trash, and have been very content with not being a dick.

Personally, I’m just ready for the fantasy playoffs (currently projected as a 3 seed).

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