A Life without Sports?

With the NBA and NHL seasons over with, it can be a struggle to get through a day without your normal sports fix. Sure, there’s baseball and golf, but those are snoozefests. There’s soccer too, but that’s not a real sport (if I wanted to watch non-athletes prance around for an hour and a half, I’d attend a high school cross-country race), so what is a fantasy fanatic to do in the meantime? Here’s a list:

Work on those abs:

Let’s face it, it’s never too late to get in shape! Just kidding, you fat fuck. It’s already summer, and you still look like a walking trash bag full of loose sand with pepperoni nips. Personally, I’m a fan of making up in-home exercises that you can do throughout the day, to help burn those unwanted calories. Wanna lose that ass fat? Simply drop down and do a few Tebow stances. These have been known to sculpt the most heinous of haunches into palpable posteriors. Throw in some praises to the man upstairs, via hand gestures, and work those shoulders too!



Get caught up on Netflix:

Never seen every episode of Hemlock Grove, House of Cards, or Lilyhammer? Well, neither has anyone else. But Netflix is notorious for helping able-minded persons lose track of earthly existence and waste 12 straight hours watching a never ending phantasmagoria of softcore porn and soap opera acting. Nothing makes up for lack of thespian appeal quite like a supple pair of size C’s.





Try out some new recipes:

Nowadays, you can make just about anything with beer or liquor! And, honestly, what’s the point of cooking stuff if you’re not toasted? If you’ve got more of a protein rich palette, try out some all-meat dishes. Seriously though, screw vegetables…or at least wrap them in bacon.



Grow that beard you’ve always dreamed of:

Nothing says lack of sporting options like oily patches of chesticle length curlies growing outta yo face!






Watch the NBA Draft:

Or don’t. It’s gonna be pretty lame this year.






Actually study up for Fantasy Football 2013:

Or again, just don’t, ’cause I’ve done the reading for you. Here’s some important facts to bear:

Matthew Berry has released his annual manifesto, which has some great tips! It’s really long, though, so here are the high points. (1) Go RB often and early. He says to put most of your effort into acquiring RB’s and WR’s. (2) QB is waaay deep this year, so no need to get one early. (3) TE’s are all about the same, unless you get Jimmy Graham, so be first or save your TE pick till later. (4). K and D should be your last picks.

In all of the mock drafts that I’ve seen going RB heavy seems like the most viable option. You’ll need multiple options at the spot since there are only so many top-tier guarantees, and the rest are popular yet unstable in terms of output. RGIII has routinely been available very late in the mocks I’ve seen and could be a great steal later on in the draft.


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