No, we weren’t cast as extras in Trent Richardson’s orgy sex tape, but it did leave me slightly frightened.
So, here’s how it went. My girlfriend and I, accompanied by her mother, went to some dream-related aunt’s house to visit. As soon as we enter said dream domicile, I could tell this lady was a few fish short of being a great catch. I was greeted by numerous hissing Komodo dragons, and as my girlfriend’s mother wandered to the kitchen, where I assume this wench of a dream aunt was sitting, my girlfriend and I cautiously made our way to the living room to set our luggage down (I guess we were to stay for some time in this reptilian hellhole).
As I lay my bags down, one of the dragons gives me the evil eye. You know, one of those looks where someone is either raping you with their eyeballs or sizing your skull up in proportion to their hands.
Needless to say, this dream beast had those weird eyes like crocs, that have a clear third eyelid, and claws the size of chopsticks.
So I freak.
“What the hell is with all of the Komodo dragons, yo?” I ask.
“They’re just my aunt’s pets,” my girlfriend reassures me.
Ahh, well that’s a relief.
“They may or may not be poisonous…just depends which ones,” I hear waft into the living room from the gravely-voiced gargoyle mystery dream relative in the kitchen.
Ahh, well that’s a relief.
About this time, one starts chasing me. And of course it’s the Bo Jackson looking one, with muscles somehow not normally common to earthly animals.
It eventually tracks me down and takes a bite at my inner thigh, leaving a deep red mark of its teeth on me.
Now, if you’re at all familiar with my insatiable appetite for self-destruction and bad luck, you would already assume that this must be the most poisonous of the brood (or technically speaking, a clan).
I back up, against a wall. Me cornered, the beast keeps on hissing. Within seconds, the bite mark on my inner leg is pulsing with heat and turning colors.
“You dumb b__ch!” I yell at the seemingly unfazed dream aunt still in the kitchen. “How can you let f__king dragons just roam around your house?”
“Oh, okay guys,” she responds, “let’s all remember the day when Tyler Worsham was a big ‘ol pussy.”
(I can’t censor everything.)
At this point I’m certain I’m going to die and end up in safari Heaven with Steve Irwin.
“Maybe next time you visit, you should bring a gun,” the aunt’s voice suggests.
And wouldn’t you know it, suddenly, I’m gripping a true dream machine, akin to a real life .357 magnum. In what can only be hauntingly true to my real life instincts, I forget all relationships and briskly shoot my way outta the place, straight popppin’ caps in some dragon ass!
And, just as I make it back to the front door, I shoot a fat lead sandwich right into the open mouth of one of the beasts and escape with my life and no girlfriend.
Luckily I woke up right next to her.
Curious about the meaning of this semi-conscious petting zoo from hell scenario, I was quick to look up the meaning in a dream dictionary:
Now, granted, it’s hard to trust a definition when an alternative definition is presented, kids, but yesterday I traded Demaryius Thomas for Alfred Morris, and I never could have guessed that it would have had such a profound celestial impact on my subconscious.
Clearly, Demaryius and myself have some sort of cosmic connection that I may have previously taken for granted.
“What about the sudden gun?” you may ask.
Luckily for me, I wasn’t firing blanks and was able to smoke those friggin’ dragons.
In a sense, it took me a while to pull the trigger on my first trade this fantasy football season, and I bet a lot of people feel the same way.
I have the utmost confidence in myself, and I really didn’t wanna come out on the losing side of some deal. I feel that Morris for Thomas was great for me and for The Blair Walsh Project. He had a butt ton of great RB’s and I had great trade bait and a need for a solid flex option.
Plus, there are enough WR’s out there for me to not be having nightmares.
Colts and Titans tonight! Don’t forget to set those lineups, and pull the trigger on that trade!
Here’s the match ups this week:
- Week 11 Literally Literate FFL Rankings (therealityoffantasysports.com)
- Dragons (burnttoastbooks.wordpress.com)