Over the past month, I’ve realized that real-life relationship advice can be strangely relevant in the world of fantasy basketball. Just think about it. For instance:
1. If you’re going to be a little boy, then BYE
I know, I know…this totally contradicts the whole “ride or die” thing but, hey, I’m a girl. That’s what we do! Everyone should know this by now. There comes a time in every person’s life when you just can’t ride or die any longer because your man is a bitch. And what do you do when that happens? You move along and never look back.
Take Samuel Dalembert for instance. Sammy looked promising at first, but then he started acting like a man child. The dude got minor injuries and didn’t play shortly after I picked him up. I decided to let it slide. Everyone gets injured sometime. BUT THEN, I found out that he was benched for a game for sleeping through practice.
Really? You mean to tell me I could make it to 6 a.m. pom practices at age 15 and you, as a 32-year-old NBA star, can’t get up to practice with the Dallas Mavs for mass amounts of money? That’s cute. And as a typical man child, he had a typical man child response to the press:
“I’m very disappointed in myself,” said Dalembert, who had two points, two blocks, three rebounds and three fouls in 18 minutes off the bench. “I don’t have an excuse. It shouldn’t happen. I’m still trying to get over it. I’m very upset.”
Look, I love my bed too, but no.
2. “I can have another you in a minute, and in fact he’ll be in here in a minute.”
Let’s be real, no one does moving on better than Beyonce. So after I ditched Dalembert, it was time to find a new man. My boyfriend suggested Josh McRoberts of the Charlotte Bobcats. At first I was hesitant because I’d never even heard of that team and because his points weren’t as great. But then I kept looking at his face and I was like, you know what, that is a damn good face. Plus, he’s young and healthy, and I’m pretty sure he won’t sleep through crap. He is a man. He isn’t violating guy code by being a baby. All girls want a real man, even if it’s just fantasy basketball.
3. “We are never ever getting back together.”
Two things happen when you break up with someone. They either get really fat, start drinking massive amounts of vodka, and boning random sluts OR they get really hot, get a new job, and a sweet new girlfriend. Either way, this shouldn’t matter to you. No one cares. So when my boyfriend suggested I maybe made a mistake by letting Dalembert go because he started doing well again, and then went on to say I could try to get him back, he got the stank eye.
Rule Number 975203 of Life: Never, I repeat, never take someone back that you dumped for being a douche of a man child. He ain’t your problem anymore. Let them have your sloppy seconds! You are moving on to better, hotter, and manlier players. We all know the second you take him back, he will go back to his bitch ways. It’s just a proven fact in love and probably also in basketball, considering it is the male species we’re talking about here.
Moral of the story?
Guys are still guys whether it’s on the court or off, so you have to ride or die with your fantasy team accordingly. As any girl will tell you, not every dude is worth the loyalty in the end!
Visit Kylee Gwartney’s blog at kbyeee.com
- A Girl’s Guide to Fantasy Basketball (therealityoffantasysports.com)
- Samuel Dalembert benched for oversleeping and missing practice (probasketballtalk.nbcsports.com)
- December 3rd Fantasy Basketball Recap – It’s All About The Playoffs (fantasybasketballfanatic.wordpress.com)