Victory Never Hurt So Good: Baseball’s Top 10 Weirdest Injuries

Baseball victory

I finally won a fantasy baseball match up!

It only took five weeks.

Continue reading

Advertisements

Week 11 Preview: Dreaming of Success

dragonSo I had a dream last night that involved me, my girlfriend, her mother and aunt, and about 15 Komodo dragons.

No, we weren’t cast as extras in Trent Richardson’s orgy sex tape, but it did leave me slightly frightened.

So, here’s how it went. My girlfriend and I, accompanied by her mother, went to some dream-related aunt’s house to visit. As soon as we enter said dream domicile, I could tell this lady was a few fish short of being a great catch. I was greeted by numerous hissing Komodo dragons, and as my girlfriend’s mother wandered to the kitchen, where I assume this wench of a dream aunt was sitting, my girlfriend and I cautiously made our way to the living room to set our luggage down (I guess we were to stay for some time in this reptilian hellhole).

As I lay my bags down, one of the dragons gives me the evil eye. You know, one of those looks where someone is either raping you with their eyeballs or sizing your skull up in proportion to their hands.

Needless to say, this dream beast had those weird eyes like crocs, that have a clear third eyelid, and claws the size of chopsticks.

So I freak.

“What the hell is with all of the Komodo dragons, yo?” I ask.

“They’re just my aunt’s pets,” my girlfriend reassures me.

Ahh, well that’s a relief.

“They may or may not be poisonous…just depends which ones,” I hear waft into the living room from the gravely-voiced gargoyle mystery dream relative in the kitchen.

Ahh, well that’s a relief.

About this time, one starts chasing me. And of course it’s the Bo Jackson looking one, with muscles somehow not normally common to earthly animals.

It eventually tracks me down and takes a bite at my inner thigh, leaving a deep red mark of its teeth on me.

Now, if you’re at all familiar with my insatiable appetite for self-destruction and bad luck, you would already assume that this must be the most poisonous of the brood (or technically speaking, a clan).

I back up, against a wall. Me cornered, the beast keeps on hissing. Within seconds, the bite mark on my inner leg is pulsing with heat and turning colors.

“You dumb b__ch!” I yell at the seemingly unfazed dream aunt still in the kitchen. “How can you let f__king dragons just roam around your house?”

“Oh, okay guys,” she responds, “let’s all remember the day when Tyler Worsham was a big ‘ol pussy.”

(I can’t censor everything.)

At this point I’m certain I’m going to die and end up in safari Heaven with Steve Irwin.

“Maybe next time you visit, you should bring a gun,” the aunt’s voice suggests.

And wouldn’t you know it, suddenly, I’m gripping a true dream machine, akin to a real life .357 magnum. In what can only be hauntingly true to my real life instincts, I forget all relationships and briskly shoot my way outta the place, straight popppin’ caps in some dragon ass!

And, just as I make it back to the front door, I shoot a fat lead sandwich right into the open mouth of one of the beasts and escape with my life and no girlfriend.

Luckily I woke up right next to her.

Curious about the meaning of this semi-conscious petting zoo from hell scenario, I was quick to look up the meaning in a dream dictionary:

komodoNow, granted, it’s hard to trust a definition when an alternative definition is presented, kids, but yesterday I traded Demaryius Thomas for Alfred Morris, and I never could have guessed that it would have had such a profound celestial impact on my subconscious.

Clearly, Demaryius and myself have some sort of cosmic connection that I may have previously taken for granted.

“What about the sudden gun?” you may ask.

Great question.

gunGeez, I hope my wiener still works…

Luckily for me, I wasn’t firing blanks and was able to smoke those friggin’ dragons.

In a sense, it took me a while to pull the trigger on my first trade this fantasy football season, and I bet a lot of people feel the same way.

I have the utmost confidence in myself, and I really didn’t wanna come out on the losing side of some deal. I feel that Morris for Thomas was great for me and for The Blair Walsh Project. He had a butt ton of great RB’s and I had great trade bait and a need for a solid flex option.

Plus, there are enough WR’s out there for me to not be having nightmares.

Colts and Titans tonight! Don’t forget to set those lineups, and pull the trigger on that trade!

Here’s the match ups this week:

wk 11 sched

Week 11 Literally Literate FFL Rankings

mad-scientist-movie1Hard at work, breaking down massive amounts of pseudoscientific data, in the never-ending quest of fantasy football domination.

Here’s the updated ranks for week 11 of the literally Literate Fantasy Football League:

wk 11 ranksWeek 11 Rankings:

1) [Br]eaking [Br]adshaw 151

2) Cousin Vinny’s Escort Services 132

3) Spacin’ Vaders 121

3) I Pitta the Fool 121

3) Dez Dispenser 121

6) Trophy Wife 116

7) The Blair Walsh Project 109

8) Don’t Call Me Rodney 100

9) Crawrsenal FC 96

10) Team Reese 94

Not a whole lot of action this week in the ranks. I’m still in the playoff hunt, and actually made a move I think will help me out for the rest of the season. I went ahead and traded Demaryius Thomas to The Blair Walsh Project for Alfred Morris.

My reasoning was this: I’ve wanted to trade Thomas before, but never got anything great in return during negotiations. Thomas has solidified himself as the go-to guy on the Broncos, racking up 5 TD’s in three weeks while Wes Welker and Eric Decker have been hauntingly lackluster the last few weeks.

The Broncos are going up against the Chiefs twice in the next three weeks, and although I have no doubt Manning would roll himself out on the field on a gurney at this point in his career, I could see something bad happening in the next few weeks with the pressure he’ll be facing from the opposing line.

My RB’s are now Frank Gore, Zac Stacy, Alfred Morris, Darren Sproles, and Shane Vereen, with Kendall Hunter as a handcuff. I feel that WR has been more hit or miss this year, and I also feel that with D. Thomas’ 3 TD’s last week, I may have gotten the most I possibly can out of him. Finding someone to post 8 points in his absence may be somewhat of a crapshoot, but I believe it is very much possible.

However, if I could move say 2 RB’s and Keenan Allen for a stud WR, I’d be all in!

MAKIN’ MOVES, YA’LL!

Tuesday Morning Relief: The End Game

confidence

Hi, I’m Tyler, and I’m currently in the playoffs.

Okay, that’s not me (In my opinion, I’m definitely more attractive), but like this Mr. Stock Photo Guy, I’m beaming with confidence.

I still need to hold strong with three games left in the fantasy football regular season, but things are definitely looking up. Here’s the results from the Literally Literate FFL week 10 games:

wk 10 results

And here’s a peaksie at the current ESPN ranks:

week 11 standings

I was hoping for more points this week, but I’ll take what I can get. The next two weeks have me pitted against the first and second ranked teams, so it’s make or break time right now. If Zac Stacy wasn’t on bye, I’d be filling more confident going into this next match up. I may have to make some moves. Here’s my lineup currently:

wk 11 lineup

Week 10 Literally Literate FFL Preview

g11_vs_vikingsWeek 10 action has the Vikes and Skins facing off in your Thursday game. Besides AD, I wouldn’t expect mush (typo–[much]–but in retrospect, “mush” is exactly what you can expect)  from the Vikes.

Here’s a look at the match ups this week in the Literally Literate FFL:

4) I Pitta the Fool vs 9) Team Reese

4) I Pitta the Fool vs 9) Team Reese

Should be a good game for me, but you know how that kind of thinking goes. Fully expecting the rest of my team to go out on injuries…

5) Trophy Wife vs 2) Cousin Vinny

5) Trophy Wife vs 2) Cousin Vinny

Real grudge match here! I need Trophy Wife to lose sooo bad! Or if Cousin Vinny starts tanking, that could work too, since I play them later on.

6) Dez Dispenser vs 10) Don't Call Me Rodney

6) Dez Dispenser vs 8) Don’t Call Me Rodney

Dez Dispenser has been a tough opponent as of late, and hopefully won’t continue to climb up the ranks. I’d like to see them go down as well.

10) Crawrsenal FC vs 3) Spacin' Vaders

10) Crawrsenal FC vs 3) Spacin’ Vaders

Really rootin’ for Crawrsenal here. Spacin’ Vaders is really strong, and I need a loss from them, since they have me beat on points.

1) [Br]eaking [Br]adshaw vs 7) The Blair Walsh Project

1) [Br]eaking [Br]adshaw vs 7) The Blair Walsh Project

Rootin’ for the underdog here, too! Yeah, I know, I want everyone above me to lose…it’s getting really real right now, ya’ll!

Week 10 Power Rankings

Keep-Calm-and-Start-Luck-(Fantasy-Football)-

Week 10 is upon us, and the race for the playoffs is in full swing! There’s a three-way tie for the last two playoff spots, and I plan on getting one.

My lineup is finally full strength, and I couldn’t be more optimistic than this week. IF all goes according to plan, I should be able to have a big week (which I desperately need in a tiebreaker situation).

Check out how the Mt. Oberton formula ranks our teams this week in the Literally Literate FFL:

wk 10 rankingsWeek 10 Power Rankings:

1) [Br]eaking [Br]adshaw 149

2) Cousin Vinny’s Escort Services 131

3) Spacin’ Vaders 120

4) I Pitta the Fool 119

5) Trophy Wife 118

6) Dez Dispenser 117

7) The Blair Walsh Project 112

8) Don’t Call Me Rodney 102

9) Team Reese 99

10) Crawrsenal FC 98

Tuesday Morning Relief: Still in the Hunt

030405-N-9109V-003

Another week in the books, and we’re one step closer to the playoffs. At 5-4 I’m still in the hunt.

wk 9 results

I had a decent game, but I really got saved by Luck, Stacy, and Allen. The byes and injuries really gave me a down lineup. Currently I’m ranked fifth, just out of the playoff picture, but I have the same record as third and fourth place. I’m just missing out based on my points for total, which is still relatively close.

wk 9 standings

With four weeks left, I’ve really got to rack up points and wins. 7-6 may make it to the playoffs, but I’d like to sittin’ a little prettier than that! My lineup is finally coming together full strength, and despite losing my RB2, RB3, and WR2, I’m expecting my biggest week yet.

my line

Zac Stacy has proven to be a beast, and him and Gore are two of the top scoring backs right now. Keenan Allen resurfaced this week, and I’m expecting big things from him as well. Luck is hanging steady, although I may try and grab a backup this week just for insurance purposes. Thomas &Thomas should do what they always do, barring a setback from J.Thomas’ injury.

All in all, I’ve still got a shot.

*Fingers Crossed*