Literally Literate Fantasy Championship Preview

trophy6With the quest for the belt finally nearing an end, Cousin Vinny’s Escort Services and [Br]eaking [Br]adshaw will battle it out for fantasy football domination. Heading into the second week of the championship match up, heavily favorited [Br]adshaw leads 106-90.

champ week 1This week Cousin Vinny is favorited by the ESPN site, but we know how that goes. Here’s a preview of their lineups this week:

champ week 2Cast your vote below for who you think will be crowned the Literally Literate Champeen!

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Fantasy Football Playoffs–Week 2

failureWe’re one week into the fantasy football playoffs, and some huge scores were posted, making week two very, very interesting.

In the winner’s bracket, Trophy Wife is looking to upset No. 2 Cousin Vinny’s Escort Services by posting a ginormous 133 in the first week.

wk 14 result 1[Br]eaking [Br]adshaw continues to roll through the competition, and it seems it will take a monster force to stop him.

wk 14 result 2In the consolation bracket, I’m currently down, but it was a crazy week! The snow really messed with a lot of lineups, and I’m starting to seriously regret trading for Alfred Morris. The Skins have absolutely sucked lately, and I have zero confidence in them. Thankfully Shane Vereen has paid off for me, and with Gronk out, I’m hoping Julian Edelman keeps rolling with his big receiving games.

Here’s how the first week shook out in Loser Land:

wk 14 result 3Overall, this is shaping up to be the toughest competition our league has seen, as the average points for the first week of playoffs was a cool 100 points. Things are heating up!

Tuesday Morning Relief: The Agony of Defeat

agonyThis is me bitching.

I swear to god, I just might lose it.

Sitting at 6-4 with three weeks left in the regular season, I could’ve clinched a spot in the playoffs, but have yet to win. Knowing that all of my effort thus far has resulted in a.500 record that basically proves what a crapshoot this is, is quite disheartening. I still have a shot to make it, but I need a win, more desperately than the American Music Awards needs people of color (Forreallz, bro? Maclemore and Ryan Lewis win Rap/Hip Hop artist of the year over Kendrick Lamar and A$ap Rocky? BITCH PLEASE).

I should probably change my team name to The ICU, since almost every RB I’ve played has been hurt. Darren Sproles, Doug Martin, and Zac Stacy have all gone down in crucial match ups. Hell, the only WR I have left from the draft is James Jones, and I haven’t played him in forever.

I’ve had to patch together a squad as the season has gone on, and it’s kinda wearin’ on me.

Last night, in need of huge points, Frank Gore took on the easiest run D in the whole league and came away with 3 fantasy points. Alfred Morris at least got me 5.

wk 12 results

Now, it’s all down to this: a make or break showdown with Don’t Call Me Rodney, who has been on a high-scoring streak as of late and has Marshawn Lynch and Desean Jackson coming off bye. I absolutely have to win to get in, and maybe even score high as well.

wk 12 match upI went into the final weeks of the season feeling uberconfident, only to have that glimmer of hope vanish like a fart in the wind.

Granted, anything better than last place like last year would count as a success, but I desperately want to just have a shot at the title, the Literally Literate Championship belt:

trophy6All I can do is pray to the Fantasy Gods and hope I can finally overcome The Curse of Stevie Johnson.

Week 11 Preview: Dreaming of Success

dragonSo I had a dream last night that involved me, my girlfriend, her mother and aunt, and about 15 Komodo dragons.

No, we weren’t cast as extras in Trent Richardson’s orgy sex tape, but it did leave me slightly frightened.

So, here’s how it went. My girlfriend and I, accompanied by her mother, went to some dream-related aunt’s house to visit. As soon as we enter said dream domicile, I could tell this lady was a few fish short of being a great catch. I was greeted by numerous hissing Komodo dragons, and as my girlfriend’s mother wandered to the kitchen, where I assume this wench of a dream aunt was sitting, my girlfriend and I cautiously made our way to the living room to set our luggage down (I guess we were to stay for some time in this reptilian hellhole).

As I lay my bags down, one of the dragons gives me the evil eye. You know, one of those looks where someone is either raping you with their eyeballs or sizing your skull up in proportion to their hands.

Needless to say, this dream beast had those weird eyes like crocs, that have a clear third eyelid, and claws the size of chopsticks.

So I freak.

“What the hell is with all of the Komodo dragons, yo?” I ask.

“They’re just my aunt’s pets,” my girlfriend reassures me.

Ahh, well that’s a relief.

“They may or may not be poisonous…just depends which ones,” I hear waft into the living room from the gravely-voiced gargoyle mystery dream relative in the kitchen.

Ahh, well that’s a relief.

About this time, one starts chasing me. And of course it’s the Bo Jackson looking one, with muscles somehow not normally common to earthly animals.

It eventually tracks me down and takes a bite at my inner thigh, leaving a deep red mark of its teeth on me.

Now, if you’re at all familiar with my insatiable appetite for self-destruction and bad luck, you would already assume that this must be the most poisonous of the brood (or technically speaking, a clan).

I back up, against a wall. Me cornered, the beast keeps on hissing. Within seconds, the bite mark on my inner leg is pulsing with heat and turning colors.

“You dumb b__ch!” I yell at the seemingly unfazed dream aunt still in the kitchen. “How can you let f__king dragons just roam around your house?”

“Oh, okay guys,” she responds, “let’s all remember the day when Tyler Worsham was a big ‘ol pussy.”

(I can’t censor everything.)

At this point I’m certain I’m going to die and end up in safari Heaven with Steve Irwin.

“Maybe next time you visit, you should bring a gun,” the aunt’s voice suggests.

And wouldn’t you know it, suddenly, I’m gripping a true dream machine, akin to a real life .357 magnum. In what can only be hauntingly true to my real life instincts, I forget all relationships and briskly shoot my way outta the place, straight popppin’ caps in some dragon ass!

And, just as I make it back to the front door, I shoot a fat lead sandwich right into the open mouth of one of the beasts and escape with my life and no girlfriend.

Luckily I woke up right next to her.

Curious about the meaning of this semi-conscious petting zoo from hell scenario, I was quick to look up the meaning in a dream dictionary:

komodoNow, granted, it’s hard to trust a definition when an alternative definition is presented, kids, but yesterday I traded Demaryius Thomas for Alfred Morris, and I never could have guessed that it would have had such a profound celestial impact on my subconscious.

Clearly, Demaryius and myself have some sort of cosmic connection that I may have previously taken for granted.

“What about the sudden gun?” you may ask.

Great question.

gunGeez, I hope my wiener still works…

Luckily for me, I wasn’t firing blanks and was able to smoke those friggin’ dragons.

In a sense, it took me a while to pull the trigger on my first trade this fantasy football season, and I bet a lot of people feel the same way.

I have the utmost confidence in myself, and I really didn’t wanna come out on the losing side of some deal. I feel that Morris for Thomas was great for me and for The Blair Walsh Project. He had a butt ton of great RB’s and I had great trade bait and a need for a solid flex option.

Plus, there are enough WR’s out there for me to not be having nightmares.

Colts and Titans tonight! Don’t forget to set those lineups, and pull the trigger on that trade!

Here’s the match ups this week:

wk 11 sched

Week 11 Literally Literate FFL Rankings

mad-scientist-movie1Hard at work, breaking down massive amounts of pseudoscientific data, in the never-ending quest of fantasy football domination.

Here’s the updated ranks for week 11 of the literally Literate Fantasy Football League:

wk 11 ranksWeek 11 Rankings:

1) [Br]eaking [Br]adshaw 151

2) Cousin Vinny’s Escort Services 132

3) Spacin’ Vaders 121

3) I Pitta the Fool 121

3) Dez Dispenser 121

6) Trophy Wife 116

7) The Blair Walsh Project 109

8) Don’t Call Me Rodney 100

9) Crawrsenal FC 96

10) Team Reese 94

Not a whole lot of action this week in the ranks. I’m still in the playoff hunt, and actually made a move I think will help me out for the rest of the season. I went ahead and traded Demaryius Thomas to The Blair Walsh Project for Alfred Morris.

My reasoning was this: I’ve wanted to trade Thomas before, but never got anything great in return during negotiations. Thomas has solidified himself as the go-to guy on the Broncos, racking up 5 TD’s in three weeks while Wes Welker and Eric Decker have been hauntingly lackluster the last few weeks.

The Broncos are going up against the Chiefs twice in the next three weeks, and although I have no doubt Manning would roll himself out on the field on a gurney at this point in his career, I could see something bad happening in the next few weeks with the pressure he’ll be facing from the opposing line.

My RB’s are now Frank Gore, Zac Stacy, Alfred Morris, Darren Sproles, and Shane Vereen, with Kendall Hunter as a handcuff. I feel that WR has been more hit or miss this year, and I also feel that with D. Thomas’ 3 TD’s last week, I may have gotten the most I possibly can out of him. Finding someone to post 8 points in his absence may be somewhat of a crapshoot, but I believe it is very much possible.

However, if I could move say 2 RB’s and Keenan Allen for a stud WR, I’d be all in!

MAKIN’ MOVES, YA’LL!