Love and Fantasy Basketball

love and bball

By Kylee Gwartney

Over the past month, I’ve realized that real-life relationship advice can be strangely relevant in the world of fantasy basketball. Just think about it. For instance:

1.    If you’re going to be a little boy, then BYE

Dalembert

I know, I know…this totally contradicts the whole “ride or die” thing but, hey, I’m a girl. That’s what we do! Everyone should know this by now. There comes a time in every person’s life when you just can’t ride or die any longer because your man is a bitch. And what do you do when that happens? You move along and never look back.

Take Samuel Dalembert for instance. Sammy looked promising at first, but then he started acting like a man child. The dude got minor injuries and didn’t play shortly after I picked him up. I decided to let it slide. Everyone gets injured sometime. BUT THEN, I found out that he was benched for a game for sleeping through practice.

Really? You mean to tell me I could make it to 6 a.m. pom practices at age 15 and you, as a 32-year-old NBA star, can’t get up to practice with the Dallas Mavs for mass amounts of money? That’s cute. And as a typical man child, he had a typical man child response to the press:

“I’m very disappointed in myself,” said Dalembert, who had two points, two blocks, three rebounds and three fouls in 18 minutes off the bench. “I don’t have an excuse. It shouldn’t happen. I’m still trying to get over it. I’m very upset.”

Look, I love my bed too, but no.

2.    “I can have another you in a minute, and in fact he’ll be in here in a minute.”

mcroberts

Let’s be real, no one does moving on better than Beyonce. So after I ditched Dalembert, it was time to find a new man. My boyfriend suggested Josh McRoberts of the Charlotte Bobcats. At first I was hesitant because I’d never even heard of that team and because his points weren’t as great. But then I kept looking at his face and I was like, you know what, that is a damn good face. Plus, he’s young and healthy, and I’m pretty sure he won’t sleep through crap. He is a man. He isn’t violating guy code by being a baby. All girls want a real man, even if it’s just fantasy basketball.

3.    “We are never ever getting back together.”

unrequited-love

Two things happen when you break up with someone. They either get really fat, start drinking massive amounts of vodka, and boning random sluts OR they get really hot, get a new job, and a sweet new girlfriend. Either way, this shouldn’t matter to you. No one cares. So when my boyfriend suggested I maybe made a mistake by letting Dalembert go because he started doing well again, and then went on to say I could try to get him back, he got the stank eye.

Rule Number 975203 of Life: Never, I repeat, never take someone back that you dumped for being a douche of a man child. He ain’t your problem anymore. Let them have your sloppy seconds! You are moving on to better, hotter, and manlier players. We all know the second you take him back, he will go back to his bitch ways. It’s just a proven fact in love and probably also in basketball, considering it is the male species we’re talking about here.

Moral of the story?

ecard

Guys are still guys whether it’s on the court or off, so you have to ride or die with your fantasy team accordingly. As any girl will tell you, not every dude is worth the loyalty in the end!

by Kylee Gwartney

By Kylee Gwartney

Visit Kylee Gwartney’s blog at kbyeee.com

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FBB Week 5 Review: A Fairy Tale of Sorts

redemptionRedemption is oh so sweet. And never is the fruit finer than when you smear your girlfriend in some fantasy sports.

I became a God this weekend.

Being exalted to Grand Supreme Leader of the Worsham Apartment is a daydream I’ve often reveled in, during reminiscent moments of silence, pondering what the law of the land would be like if I, a mere mortal of a boyfriend, could somehow demonstrate to the Council my supreme knowledge and unwavering commitment to the mental battlefield of fantasy sport.

For far too long, Maiden Gwartney hath proposeth that she was indeed the immaculate receptor of the true knowledge of fantasy sport, residing quite humbly at the hand of The Great Matthew Berry. But, alas, by the grace of the ancient Scepter of Lineup Changes, so eloquently bequeathed to me upon the Mount of Shooting Percentages by the Great Matthew Berry himself, I was able to defeat the mighty Maiden Gwartney in a head-to-head battle to decide ultimate rule over the citizenry of all of the Worsham Apartment–us and our cat Rachael.

Not actually us. Just pretend I'm Jesus.

Not actually us. Just pretend I’m Jesus.

Victory did not come easily, as Maiden Gwartney absolutely refused to go down early. With two days of games left to play, Maiden Gwartney regaled thine ears with farces of a fanciful nature, reminding yours truly, after a few sips of a mimosa at no where close to brunch time, how she would ultimately best me in our competition for the eternal love of the fantasy god The Great Matthew Berry.

“Shenanigans!” I would cry, in a desperate attempt to trounce her ill-conceived and quite incendiary notions that she at all stood a chance.  We all know that fortune favors the one with the Scepter of Lineup Changes.

And on the seventh day, I rested as my nine players averaged 21 fantasy points, and the Maiden Gwartney was once again toppled in her bid for apartment supremacy.

THE END

bball wk 5 results

FBB Week 4 Review: Not Much Patience Left

good-things

 

Four weeks into the fantasy basketball season, and I’m on a  three-game losing skid. Not exactly how I pictured this season going so far.

I feel like a have a good squad, and had Spencer Hawes not sat out this week, I could’ve pulled out a W. But, alas, it wasn’t meant to be, and I fell once again.

bb wk 4 review

 

Add to this the fact that I’m playing my girlfriend this week and her team, which has been the top scorer twice already (Spoiler Alert: I drafted for her). But I have learned from her team that I should take it easy with my lineup choices. I’ve tried not to go crazy just yet, but if I lose again, I may have to start clearing the bench and filling the lineup just to get W’s stacked up.

bb week 4 standings

 

Even with my early season debacle, I’m still sitting in sixth place, so the world hasn’t ended just yet. I can’t really put a thumb on what I’m doing wrong just yet (I have the most points against so far, so that doesn’t help), but hopefully the Law of Averages will come into effect, and I can grab some victories soon. If not, then I’m just gonna give myself up to the Curse of DeAndre Jordan and hope not to get last.

FBB Week 2 Review

sad-faceThis is my sad face.

Week two saw me get my first loss. After going 17-3 last year and finishing second, I was definitely hoping to make it longer before I got my first Big L. My girlfriend got the high score in the league again, and I’m seriously regretting letting go of DeAndre Jordan early in the season.

Here’s how week two went down:

wk 2 results bball

This week’s been a little better to me, and two days in, I’m leading in points:

wk 3 bball

Here’s my lineup thus far:

wk 3 lineup

FBB Week One Review

espn copies meWeek one’s over with, and since picking up some key players, I’ve just about got my roster the way I want it. I was definitely not prepared for the start of the fantasy basketball season, but I’ve been quickly catching up! The team I picked is second only to my girlfriend’s (which I also drafted), and my key waiver moves of Miles Plumlee and Lance Stephenson were profiled soon after on ESPN. Above is their article, which came out after mine below.

espn copies me2

Definite confidence boost!

Like I said, my GF and I did well this week. Yes, I drafted for her, but I’ve been showing her how to update her roster, and she seems to be catching on quite fast! She’s leading in points right now, and I squeaked into second among some stiff competition:

bball wk 1

Here’s how my roster broke down for the week.

bball wk 1 roster

Kevin Love, Miles Plumlee, and Spencer Hawes have been killin’ it on the inside, and old dudes Tony Parker and Ray Allen look to be solid adds. Some stiff competition this week, but I’m feeling confident. Hopefully ESPN will stop sniping my On the Rise segment, though. Guess we’ll see on Friday..