Tuesday Morning Relief: The 5 Stages of Not Making the Fantasy Playoffs

hopelessI missed the playoffs in the Literally Literate FFL this year by 4 pts.

A Ledarius Green TD could have sealed it for me. Would have clinched with a Michael Floyd trash time reception. If Keenan Allen didn’t fumble and Delanie Walker didn’t get concussed, I’d be sittin’ pretty right now.


Instead, I’m playing for fifth. And since I finished fifth, here are the 5 signs of grief commonly discussed in psychology.

Step 1. Denial

This stage includes feelings of shock, numbness, and disbelief. When loss first comes, most of us have a hard time believing “this is really happening.”

Dude! I put everything I f__king had into this season! This was gonna be my comeback year, where I went from last to first. I mean, I was at least in the running for the playoffs! I actually did analysis this summer and kept spreadsheets of my draft and performance this year. I made f__king rankings from scratch each week to help evaluate my competitors. THIS CAN’T BE REAL!

Step 2. Anger

Anger can present itself in a variety of ways—anger at your loved one, at others, at God, at the world, at yourself.  And anger can be a difficult emotion to cope with.

F__k this s__t! F__k Darren Sproles. F__k Andrew Luck. F__k these fake ass helmets and all these concussions.

F__k the Packers. F__k the refs in the Washington game. F__k Steven Jackson. F__k Frank Gore.

And a BIG F__K YOU to Stevie Johnson!

Step 3. Bargaining

With bargaining, there’s a sense that we just want life back to the way it used to be. We wish we could go back in time, catch the illness sooner, see something we didn’t see. We may also feel guilty, focusing on “If only…”.

Four points?! FOUR POINTS?! I seriously coulda had this! I had three chances to seal the deal. Shoulda popped on Bobby Rainey that one week. I picked up Michael Floyd and didn’t start him, whyyyyyy? How could Alfred Morris get absolutely NO second half yards? Shane Vereen for Zac Stacy woulda put me over the top.

Step 4. Depression

Eventually grief will enter on a deeper level, bringing with it intense feelings of emptiness and sadness. We feel like we don’t care about much of anything and wish life would just hurry up and pass on by. Getting out of bed can be a huge burden, exhaustion and apathy can set in, and we may begin to wonder, “what’s the point?” for pretty much everything.

What’s the point of finishing the season? The very fact that a 6-7 team made it in ahead of me proves that this whole sport is absolute luck and bulls__t. I was last place the year before and fifth this year while only winning one more game. Why even bother obsessing with something that isn’t even based on skill? Why even make roster moves? Who cares anymore? F__k this season, man.

Step 5. Acceptance

The experience of “depression” is what leads to “acceptance”. Many people mistakenly believe that “acceptance” means we are “cured” or “all right” with the loss. But this isn’t the case at all. The loss will forever be a part of us, though we will feel it more some times than others. Acceptance simply means we are ready to try and move on—to accommodate ourselves to this world without our loved one.

Well, I did make a few good calls. Julius Thomas and Zac Stacy were nice. I picked up Alshon Jeffery but ended up giving him away. I was the first to hype up Justin Blackmon, who was solid while sober. I jumped on Keenan Allen and got a solid month or so of top ten play outta him. No one really saw Frank Gore being so solid at his age. I don’t know, I really wanted a shot at the belt this year, and all along I felt confident about my chances. Last year I got last, but only missed the playoffs by two games, and this year, I miss out by a mere 4 points. In all seriousness, I didn’t achieve my ultimate goal of the fantasy playoffs this year, but I did make incredible progress. Time to review my season and prepare for next year. Not before I beat the snot outta the consolation bracket, though!


Tuesday Morning Relief: The Agony of Defeat

agonyThis is me bitching.

I swear to god, I just might lose it.

Sitting at 6-4 with three weeks left in the regular season, I could’ve clinched a spot in the playoffs, but have yet to win. Knowing that all of my effort thus far has resulted in a.500 record that basically proves what a crapshoot this is, is quite disheartening. I still have a shot to make it, but I need a win, more desperately than the American Music Awards needs people of color (Forreallz, bro? Maclemore and Ryan Lewis win Rap/Hip Hop artist of the year over Kendrick Lamar and A$ap Rocky? BITCH PLEASE).

I should probably change my team name to The ICU, since almost every RB I’ve played has been hurt. Darren Sproles, Doug Martin, and Zac Stacy have all gone down in crucial match ups. Hell, the only WR I have left from the draft is James Jones, and I haven’t played him in forever.

I’ve had to patch together a squad as the season has gone on, and it’s kinda wearin’ on me.

Last night, in need of huge points, Frank Gore took on the easiest run D in the whole league and came away with 3 fantasy points. Alfred Morris at least got me 5.

wk 12 results

Now, it’s all down to this: a make or break showdown with Don’t Call Me Rodney, who has been on a high-scoring streak as of late and has Marshawn Lynch and Desean Jackson coming off bye. I absolutely have to win to get in, and maybe even score high as well.

wk 12 match upI went into the final weeks of the season feeling uberconfident, only to have that glimmer of hope vanish like a fart in the wind.

Granted, anything better than last place like last year would count as a success, but I desperately want to just have a shot at the title, the Literally Literate Championship belt:

trophy6All I can do is pray to the Fantasy Gods and hope I can finally overcome The Curse of Stevie Johnson.

The Ghost of Cory Monteith


If you’re a FF fan, then no doubt you’ve been disappointed in the Thursday night football debacles of late. Last night, however, saw the Niners return to fine form against the current League whipping boy St. Louis Rams. Frank Gore, my no. 2 RB finally busted off some runs and a TD. Unfortunately for me, my pop culture obsessed girlfriend wanted to watch the Glee season premiere/heroin addict tribute on TV.

Yes, instead of watching Gore go 34 yds for his TD in the first half, I was sitting through a terribly directed version of the Beatles’ “All You Need is Love” performed by thirty-something-year old actors, playing high schoolers, who wear clothes from the eighties, but also text on iPhones.

Edgy, I know.

I’ll admit that this was my first time watching Glee, and I’ve got to say, doesn’t look like I’ve missed much. If anyone can tell me how the directorial skills of a porno aficionado distracted by boobies, combined with the complete lack of setting, propped up by old fogies playing the parts of children–somewhat reminiscent of  90210–is interesting, I would be all ears.

Those poor real-life choir kids and drama nerds, who make up the assumed majority of the audience, must really, really not have much going on in their lives.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just steaming from having to watch the live feed of the Thursday night game on my phone. But for real, Glee has no plot, brah.

Seems like they just set up a 20-second scene that somehow contains the loose narrative of the lyrics in the upcoming song, to no real overall flow whatsoever.

Just my first-time experience of the program.

Not to mention that the big issue of Cory Monteith dying in real life wasn’t even addressed. I mean, if you need to explain the absence of a notable character, why not wait till 4 weeks in?

Thank God there wasn’t an aftershow to discuss the nothingness that just took place, and I got to see the second half of the game. So far this season, the greatest highlight from the Thursday night games has been my girlfriend and I coming up with audible signal calls for ladies. After seeing Tom Brady and Peyton Manning audible countless times during their games, my fair lady decided she’d implement some of her own, were she to lead a football team.

While they seem to go with cities or animals like “OMAHA,” or “PANTHER” for offensive calls, or letters and directions for defense, like “TIPS RIGHT” or “ROVER,” she prefers audibles with a more feminine touch.

Maybe shout, “MOSCATO, MOSCATO,” for an out route, or “LEOPARD FLATS,” for a read-option call.

But, alas, the football Gods finally got their act together and put up an exciting game (for anyone who is not a Rams fan). My boy Gore got me 19 big ones, and, had he not been vultured by no-name backups, he could’ve scored two more TD’s.

So, a few teams have early leads with the completion of the first game of the week. But those never really last, do they? Here’s a peak at the match ups this week:

wk 4 game 1

wk 4 game 2

wk 4 game 3

wk 4 game 4

wk 4 game 5

Tuesday Morning Relief: From First to Worst


In the span of one week, I went from being the top point-getter in the league, to last. Oh, fantasy football, how you taunt me. Hunter S. Thompson once wrote, “All energy flows according to the great Magnet. What a fool I was to deny him.”

A Fool indeed.

wk 2 game 1So my production was cut in half. So the running back corps I thought was elite is mostly just diminished. So I barely snuffed out a win with six players scoring less than 5 fantasy points. So what? A W’s a W in my books, but I can’t say I’m not worried. Frank Gore will hopefully get some yardage at some point. And maybe I can figure out this WR rotation I’ve got going on. My bench did better than my starters, but at least I know I’ve rostered the right players. This week I was saved by the 49ers, who completely crapped out on Team Reese. Otherwise, I think she woulda gotten me.

wk 2 game 2Another low-scoring close one was battled out between Crawrsenal FC and the Trophy Wife, with CFC barely edging her out by ten points. CFC got a huge contribution from the Bears D, who scored a touchdown in week 2. Also for the Bears, but on the bench, Martellus Bennett has been making quite the impression in the regular season, despite a very mild preseason with the team. The Trophy Wife, meanwhile, drops to 0-2 in the league, after getting no love from her WR’s. Next up for her is a matchup with Spacin’ Vaders, a tough team to beat so far this year.

wk 2 game 3Don’t Call Me Rodney whooped up on the Dez Dispenser, despite getting no-show 0’s from two players–Aaron Rodgers, Beast Mode, and DeSean Jackson carrying the load. The Dez Dispenser got plenty of help from the law firm of Dez, Calvin, and Olsen, but lacked big numbers in the running game and at QB. The Dez Dispenser falls to 0-2 but has the talent to start a winning streak soon. For DCMR Aaron Rodgers has been absolutely huge this year, along with DeSean Jackson and Randall Cobb.

wk 2 game 4Cousin Vinny’s Escort Service continues to stomp through the competition, once again posting huge numbers en route to their second victory. Adrien Peterson and Reggie Bush failed to produce two weeks in a row, but Cousin Vinny is leading the league in scoring currently and doesn’t look to relinquish the spot anytime soon. Of note in this game for The Blair Walsh Project, Stevan Ridley still fails to produce while Larry Fitzgerald goes down with an injury after a very productive week one.

wk 2 game 5In the Breaking Bradshaw/Spacin’ Vaders matchup this week, Bradshaw ran away at the end for a 28 point victory, behind some really strong WR games. Bradshaw is my next opponent, and so far, his squad looks incredibly tough. With Knowshon Moreno making strides in Denver, I’m not really looking forward to him adding him off his bench. Yikes! Spacin’ Vaders suffers from poor WR performances this week and falls to 1-1 and goes on to play the Trophy Wife in week 3.

Now, with Waiver Wednesday coming up, here’s a look at some of this weeks top available prospects in the Literally literate League:


Matt Schaub, Hou

Phillip Rivers, SD

Jay Cutler, Chi


James Starks, GB

Da’Rel Scott, NYG

Jason Snelling, ATL


Eddie Royal, SD

Marlon Brown, Bal

Doug Baldwin, Sea


Tyler Eifert, Cin

Coby Fleener, Ind





Who cares?