FBB Week 5 Review: A Fairy Tale of Sorts

redemptionRedemption is oh so sweet. And never is the fruit finer than when you smear your girlfriend in some fantasy sports.

I became a God this weekend.

Being exalted to Grand Supreme Leader of the Worsham Apartment is a daydream I’ve often reveled in, during reminiscent moments of silence, pondering what the law of the land would be like if I, a mere mortal of a boyfriend, could somehow demonstrate to the Council my supreme knowledge and unwavering commitment to the mental battlefield of fantasy sport.

For far too long, Maiden Gwartney hath proposeth that she was indeed the immaculate receptor of the true knowledge of fantasy sport, residing quite humbly at the hand of The Great Matthew Berry. But, alas, by the grace of the ancient Scepter of Lineup Changes, so eloquently bequeathed to me upon the Mount of Shooting Percentages by the Great Matthew Berry himself, I was able to defeat the mighty Maiden Gwartney in a head-to-head battle to decide ultimate rule over the citizenry of all of the Worsham Apartment–us and our cat Rachael.

Not actually us. Just pretend I'm Jesus.

Not actually us. Just pretend I’m Jesus.

Victory did not come easily, as Maiden Gwartney absolutely refused to go down early. With two days of games left to play, Maiden Gwartney regaled thine ears with farces of a fanciful nature, reminding yours truly, after a few sips of a mimosa at no where close to brunch time, how she would ultimately best me in our competition for the eternal love of the fantasy god The Great Matthew Berry.

“Shenanigans!” I would cry, in a desperate attempt to trounce her ill-conceived and quite incendiary notions that she at all stood a chance.  We all know that fortune favors the one with the Scepter of Lineup Changes.

And on the seventh day, I rested as my nine players averaged 21 fantasy points, and the Maiden Gwartney was once again toppled in her bid for apartment supremacy.


bball wk 5 results


This is What Winning Feels Like

I’ve now advanced to the finals in my Head-2-Head Bball league.

With a brutal spanking, which I’m sure left bruises, to team Lussy Pips, I’m poised to take on the OKC Tornadoes in the championship round of the 2012-13 Fantasy Basketball season.

It’s been a blast this year, and I’m sad to see the fantasy season coming to an end. Yet, as a fan of the game, I’m thoroughly enthralled about the playoffs finally arriving (especially for my hometown OKC Thunder). We don’t have anything but pride on the line in our friendly H2H league, but a lot of teams have continued to play throughout the season, which is more than I can say about my roto league…

In my roto league, it’s basically down to me and one other dude. I have finally surpassed him in games, and I’m still behind in points, so it’s not looking too good.

Getting second in a league of two is not very exciting, especially when losing to someone so oblivious.

I mentioned in an earlier blog how roto league leader, Neptune Nightmares, had no idea that there were caps on games in this league. Apparently, this was true:

But one reason why the fantasy basketball season has been so arduous is the lack of activity.

This year, there were 2 trades in my friendly league and 1 (involving myself) in my roto league. This made all star players virtually untouchable outside of the draft. If you didn’t pick enough all stars, too bad; you weren’t gettin’ any. Not having any big name players on the market really dulled the play of the fantasy bball league, but my friendly league was still competitive till the end.

March Madness has produced mixed results as well.

I finally beat my girlfriend in ESPN’s Tournament Challenge (all of her Final Four picks have been eliminated/I still have Louisville).

Thank Christ. I was actually worried there for a second.

If Louisville won, I won. If The Shockers won, she won.

We went to my parents’ 30th wedding anniversary party last night and watched the Final Four coverage there. My whole family loves my girlfriend and wanted The Shockers to again defy all odds and pull off another victory against a one seed.

Thankfully, you can trust Pitinos further than you can throw ’em. Ol’ Ricky pulled out a come-from-behind W.

“There can be only one…BRACKET WINNER!”

And now, having claimed supreme knowledge of all things college basketball, my girlfriend has to cook me dinner.

Which is more like a punishment, really.

The Manliest Weekend Ever

What, oh what, to do with the lady out??

My girlfriend left town this weekend. This, consequently, presented itself as one of the rare opportunities to disrobe the garb of everyday civility and get back to the primeval ancestry of my forefathers, by drunkenly howling at the moon while peeing.

Which got me thinking…what would be the ultimate guy’s weekend?

Two days of nothing but unadulterated masculinity, the one free weekend away from the girlfriend, when you could truly indulge and partake in all the dignity and bravado that is the American Male.

Here’s a “Man’s Weekend Bucket List:” All the things you gotta cross off your list for a perfect girlfriendless weekend:

1) Eat Shitty:

Chili Cheese dogs and ice cream sandwiches for breakfast?


2) Ghostride your whip:

3) Burn Things:

A hobo fire in your living room can really liven up your Victorian decor!

4) Shoot Things:

5) Get a tattoo:

Nothing shows your commitment to your alma mater like melting skin!

6) Teabag your sworn enemy:

Anyone else notice that LSU/Alabama seems to be a cesspool of retardation?

7) Wrestle a bear:

Nuff said.

8) Whittle Shit:

You’re bound to have some extra time on your hands.

9) Start a Cult:

Hopefully, not too much time.

10) Build a Beeramid:

The male species’ rite of passage.

Follow these guidelines, and you’ll be sure to have the perfect Man’s Weekend!

The Dreaded FLEX

“You are obsessed,” my girlfriend says to me with added emphasis.
I can’t blame her. For most, spending your allotted work from home days doing copious amounts of research in an attempt to predict the athletic futures of whiny twenty-something-year-olds seems trite. And I can understand. But there’s one aspect these naysayers are forgetting–it’s exciting!

There’s two types of fantasy sports players–those who used to play sports and those who didn’t.
If you used to play sports, you get no better feeling than controlling a heap of people with greater ability than you and passing your judgment upon them daily.
If you’ve never played sports, then fantasy athletics provides you a perfect in. Being a fantasy guru immediately draws the drool of people who think you can predict the future. And what nerd doesn’t like to be called the “smartest” at something?
For me, I’m a bit of both. I played sports my whole academic career up until college, where I got into some intermurals. After I graduated, I had a career and seemingly no sports life. Until fantasy…
My first career lead to my first fantasy football league (Golden Tate Showers), which I have been absolutely tearing up!

And by “tearing up,” I mean sucking ass at.

It’s definitely frustrating.

It seems as if, every week, I face a daunting flex decision (2012 Roster). I swore to Zeus that Stevie Johnson would be the death of me, and indeed he has been! I actually acquired him in one of my shining (and they’re very few) moments of the season, though–a trade with my boss.

In my other trade for the year, I dropped Julio right before he came up gimp. So there have been some bright spots, but I’m still miring in dead last.

Long story short, this dude gotta make moves!

Here’s a peak at all my moves this season.

And this is where my girlfriend comes in.

Setting your alarm to 4 a.m. to hopefully grab free agents, so you can save your waiver spot is somehow foreign to her. All in all, though, she has adjusted quite nicely to my glorious new hobby.

She’s actually really good at picking winners.


I love being with her, but yesterday was the Thursday night matchup on the NFL Network–Bills and Dolphins. And I’d be lying if I said Stevie Johnson wasn’t on my mind.

Nestled there in her bed, all cuddled up, all I could think about was whether that goddamn rollercoaster of a receiver would find the fucking end zone or not. Believe me, he haunts my dreams.

I left my place at about halftime, and he had already amassed 57 yards receiving (most on the team). Though Johnson didn’t have a TD, I felt semi-confident in him…which, for him, is impressive. But upon entering the domain of the girlfriend, Stevie was in the hands of the Fantasy Gods.

It’s kind of a queazy feeling.

The next morning, I got back to find out that the Bills couldn’t find the end zone on offense, period.


He did go for 7 fantasy points, but man, oh man, I would have liked to see those other six!

So, since I used Johnson as my WR2 in the early game, I’m now down to my dreaded flex question. Right now, I’m sitting on James Jones, but I’ve got Darren Sproles, Mike Williams, Jonathan Dwyer, and Danario Alexander chillin’ in the stable.

When picking a player, you have to choose your sources of information carefully. One ranking system I really like is FFToolbox. Although, I will say, they are rather slow with critical injury and rankings updates. A great sit/start tool can be found at Fantasy Pros. They actually accumulate data from a multitude of the popular sites and compile rankings based upon averages and accuracy alike. You’re able to literally see how well your best advice givers are doing during the season.

One guy I really like, because he’s usually ranked among the most accurate, is David Dodds of the Football Guys.

However, as the true guru Matthew Berry says on his weekday podcast, “Go with your gut.”

With that said, I have some research to do.