There are three things I know for sure about basketball:
1. Russell Westbrook has really cool clothes. Real men wear leopard.
2. LeBron James is definitely balding. Like quit trying to make man headbands happen…IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
3. Serge Ibaka may or may not have a foot long, judging by that one picture that circulated around last year. And I’m not talking about Subway.
How, you ask?
I mostly attribute it to good luck and woman’s intuition, but I also have some methods of my own for this somewhat-overanalyzed fantasy world. Without further ado, let me reveal my secrets for kicking everyone’s asses without having a clue what you’re doing.
Step One: Make Someone Else Draft Your Team
This should be obvious. You don’t know what you’re doing, after all. Make your boyfriend or someone you trust draft your entire team. Let’s be real, the only people I know for sure are good are the superstars, and the chances of getting all of them are slim to none. You gotta have some other decently good players too!
Step Two: Ride or Die
Everyone loves a ride or die, bitch, AMIRITE? So apply this in your fantasy basketball life as well! Unless you got literally the worst players on the face of the planet to fill up your team, you stick with your team. I mean really, how bad can they be? They’re in the NBA, getting paid exorbitant amounts of cash not to suck. Commit to your team, don’t over analyze their performance, and let the cards fall where they may. If they fall like mine, you’ll be the highest scorer every week.
Step Three: Plan Ahead
Sometimes people forget to even get their players who have games off the bench. Make sure you plan ahead for this stuff! Life gets busy with boring jobs, Christmas shopping, eyebrow waxes, eating, playing with cats, etc. Ain’t nobody got time to keep up with basketball daily, especially when they’re not obsessed with it! I’ve had my entire schedule mapped out through the 1st of December since we started playing.
Step Four: Mess with Your Lineup
Apparently putting players into a lineup is kind of like a critical thinking game in and of itself. Sometimes when you try to move a player into an empty playing spot, it won’t let you. I guess this has to do with what position they play. Whatever. Just move stuff around until all your open spots are gone. If that doesn’t work and you actually have to choose between who you want to play that night, just ask yourself: Whose name sounds cooler? Does his face look like someone you’d want to be friends with? Does he get to hang out with Anna Wintour? Is he injured? Is he even more annoying than LeBron James? Are the team colors ugly?
These questions should help you decide which player is the best fit, because no one actually enjoys looking at stats. I’m not saying it’s smart, but I’m also not saying I’m losing.
Visit Kylee Gwartney’s blog at KByeee.com.
- Daily Fantasy Basketball Plays for 11/15/2013 (fantasyteamadvice.com)