A Girl’s Guide to Fantasy Basketball

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By Kylee Gwartney, KByeee.com

There are three things I know for sure about basketball:

1. Russell Westbrook has really cool clothes. Real men wear leopard.

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2. LeBron James is definitely balding. Like quit trying to make man headbands happen…IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

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3. Serge Ibaka may or may not have a foot long, judging by that one picture that circulated around last year. And I’m not talking about Subway.

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This is basically the extent of my knowledge about the sport, and I’m totally okay with that. So when my boyfriend told me I could join his friend’s fantasy league, I knew one thing would happen…

Total domination.

Highest point total, first two weeks.

Highest point total, first two weeks.

How, you ask?

I mostly attribute it to good luck and woman’s intuition, but I also have some methods of my own for this somewhat-overanalyzed fantasy world. Without further ado, let me reveal my secrets for kicking everyone’s asses without having a clue what you’re doing.

Step One: Make Someone Else Draft Your Team

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This should be obvious. You don’t know what you’re doing, after all. Make your boyfriend or someone you trust draft your entire team. Let’s be real, the only people I know for sure are good are the superstars, and the chances of getting all of them are slim to none. You gotta have some other decently good players too!

Step Two: Ride or Die

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Everyone loves a ride or die, bitch, AMIRITE? So apply this in your fantasy basketball life as well! Unless you got literally the worst players on the face of the planet to fill up your team, you stick with your team. I mean really, how bad can they be? They’re in the NBA, getting paid exorbitant amounts of cash not to suck. Commit to your team, don’t over analyze their performance, and let the cards fall where they may. If they fall like mine, you’ll be the highest scorer every week.

Step Three: Plan Ahead

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Sometimes people forget to even get their players who have games off the bench. Make sure you plan ahead for this stuff! Life gets busy with boring jobs, Christmas shopping, eyebrow waxes, eating, playing with cats, etc. Ain’t nobody got time to keep up with basketball daily, especially when they’re not obsessed with it! I’ve had my entire schedule mapped out through the 1st of December since we started playing.

Step Four: Mess with Your Lineup

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Apparently putting players into a lineup is kind of like a critical thinking game in and of itself. Sometimes when you try to move a player into an empty playing spot, it won’t let you. I guess this has to do with what position they play. Whatever. Just move stuff around until all your open spots are gone. If that doesn’t work and you actually have to choose between who you want to play that night, just ask yourself: Whose name sounds cooler? Does his face look like someone you’d want to be friends with? Does he get to hang out with Anna Wintour? Is he injured? Is he even more annoying than LeBron James? Are the team colors ugly?

These questions should help you decide which player is the best fit, because no one actually enjoys looking at stats. I’m not saying it’s smart, but I’m also not saying I’m losing.

Visit Kylee Gwartney’s blog at KByeee.com.

by Kylee Gwartney

by Kylee Gwartney

FBB Week 2 Review

sad-faceThis is my sad face.

Week two saw me get my first loss. After going 17-3 last year and finishing second, I was definitely hoping to make it longer before I got my first Big L. My girlfriend got the high score in the league again, and I’m seriously regretting letting go of DeAndre Jordan early in the season.

Here’s how week two went down:

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This week’s been a little better to me, and two days in, I’m leading in points:

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Here’s my lineup thus far:

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2013 FBB Recap: Fantasy Player of the Year and 5 Resolutions for FBB 2014

The 2013 fantasy basketball season is over, and I didn’t win. Is my existence now worthless?

Possibly.


In the finale of the fantasy bball season, I lost by a hundred to the OKC Tornadoes, 1547-1445. It was my first year in fantasy basketball, and I honestly thought I may have a fighting chance. Alas, I could have made it more interesting, but players sitting out and injuries hampered the type of play I would have needed to make a strong comeback. I finished 2nd in both my friendly H2H Bootsy Collins League and my roto league, New World Order.

Ultimately, our friendly league was ubercompetitive, which made the finals series a hysterical and outrageous event. After the first day, it was apparent that we both knew the gig. As soon as the first games for that day started, free agents were swooped up for the next day in a mad rush. Sometimes, in the frenzy of picking replacement players, my opponent would pick one up right as I was about to pick them. But for the most part we usually had separate picks, which cleaned out the free agent list quite quickly. It was incredibly exciting!

I was ahead by ten when my players started to not perform. On day 7Kenneth Faried gets hurt and goes for -1 pts. Day 8D-Will doesn’t get any playing time for Brooklyn. Day 9Aaron Gray sits while Jonas Valanciunas starts. And on the final day of games, I put all my chips in on Joakim Noah, only to see him net  1 pt.

Yes, the end to my fantasy bball season was not what I had wanted, but it was very, very close. I learned a lot this year, and much like my fantasy football recap, this bball one has my 5 resolutions for next year:

1) Always Pick the Stars–this is something that is hard to stick by in my situation. But countless times I would find myself putting all my faith in a young guy who had been streaking. Some, like John Henson and Tobias Harris, paid off while others, like Aaron Gray and Nazr Mohammed, straight train wrecked me. Going with the stud, especially down the stretch may be the difference between winning and losing. Caron Butler finally showed up the last game of the season (his crazy eye is alleged to have helped play a part in the peak performance), as did Rashard Lewis. Trust the famous players.

Butler and his crazy eye.

2) Check Last Minute Injury Reports–I got screwed on this quite a bit. I guess it would help to check before the first game of the night begins. But I ride carpool from work.

3) Don’t Be Afraid to Draft Dwight Howard–old man back or not, Dwight has killed it this year and turned in the second best performance of the year, next to David Lee of the Golden State Warriors, averaging 36 mins, 12. 5 boards, 2.5 blocks, and 17 pts a game. There’s no word yet as to if he’ll stay in the city of angels, but wherever he goes, he has proven that he still has the all-star ability that made him such a hot commodity while in Orlando.

4) Shoot for 200–with any typical 7-day H2H schedule, 200 points is a solid goal for any one day of games. If you can accumulate 200 points per day, you will win every time. I scored over 200 pts/day a total of 16 times out of 23 weeks of play. In the regular season, I was 7-2 when I had scored at least 200 pts in one day, and 2-1 in the playoffs when I reached the 200 pt mark. In match ups during the regular season where I scored 200 pts or more twice in a week of games, I was 2-0.

5) Don’t Mess with Neptune Nightmares

Fantasy Basketball Player of the Year:

This year, the fantasy bball player of the Year Award was a battle between two men: LeBron James and Kevin Durant. Only 5 fantasy points separated the two this year, and for many, they are equally as talented in different areas. Durant is cool and tends to make finesse plays and big outside jumpers, whereas James is now almost exclusively working in the paint. James and Durant are the most dominant players int he league, real or fantasy, and it’s awesome having them on different coasts!

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