2014 Literally Literate FFL Playoff Preview

trophy6

The quest for the belt is real, and after two seasons of playing fantasy, and despite losing my entire roster to either old age, uselessness, or child abuse charges, I’ve managed to squeak my way into the fantasy football playoffs.

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Fantasy Football Playoffs–Week 2

failureWe’re one week into the fantasy football playoffs, and some huge scores were posted, making week two very, very interesting.

In the winner’s bracket, Trophy Wife is looking to upset No. 2 Cousin Vinny’s Escort Services by posting a ginormous 133 in the first week.

wk 14 result 1[Br]eaking [Br]adshaw continues to roll through the competition, and it seems it will take a monster force to stop him.

wk 14 result 2In the consolation bracket, I’m currently down, but it was a crazy week! The snow really messed with a lot of lineups, and I’m starting to seriously regret trading for Alfred Morris. The Skins have absolutely sucked lately, and I have zero confidence in them. Thankfully Shane Vereen has paid off for me, and with Gronk out, I’m hoping Julian Edelman keeps rolling with his big receiving games.

Here’s how the first week shook out in Loser Land:

wk 14 result 3Overall, this is shaping up to be the toughest competition our league has seen, as the average points for the first week of playoffs was a cool 100 points. Things are heating up!

Literally Literate Fantasy Football Playoff Preview

trophy6The only thing that stands between the four playoff teams and the championship belt is four weeks of football.

In what I’m sure the NFL Network is billing as the battle of the century, two god-awful…football teams? face off tonight when the Houston Texans take on the Jacksonville Jaguars. Not a whole lot to affect the playoffs just yet in this game, although Andre Johnson, Ben Tate, and MJD could help out fantasy lineups.

Here’s a peak at the match ups this week:

playoffs week oneI’m really not sure why ESPN puts team 5 against the next best team in the consolation bracket (kinda defies all bracketology), but whatever, I’m still committed to finish strong!

Here’s the match ups in the winner’s bracket:

playoffs wk 1 game 1

4) Spacin’ Vaders vs. 1) [Br]eaking [Br]adshaw

Really hard to go against [Br]eaking [Br]adshaw here, as he’s been thoroughly dismantling teams this year, but if Vaders can avoid injury, I could see a playoff week one upset. Losing twice in a row is something [Br]adshaw doesn’t do, though. I’m pretty pumped to see this one pan out.

3) Trophy Wife vs. 2) Cousin Vinny

3) Trophy Wife vs. 2) Cousin Vinny

The second match up is a tough one for me to call, since I’m a real life fan of both participants. Withholding personal feelings, I’ve got Cousin Vinny running away with this one, but with Josh Gordon on her side, Trophy Wife is possible of anything!

Vote now for who you think will prevail in week one of the Literally Literate Fantasy Football League:

Tuesday Morning Relief: The Agony of Defeat

agonyThis is me bitching.

I swear to god, I just might lose it.

Sitting at 6-4 with three weeks left in the regular season, I could’ve clinched a spot in the playoffs, but have yet to win. Knowing that all of my effort thus far has resulted in a.500 record that basically proves what a crapshoot this is, is quite disheartening. I still have a shot to make it, but I need a win, more desperately than the American Music Awards needs people of color (Forreallz, bro? Maclemore and Ryan Lewis win Rap/Hip Hop artist of the year over Kendrick Lamar and A$ap Rocky? BITCH PLEASE).

I should probably change my team name to The ICU, since almost every RB I’ve played has been hurt. Darren Sproles, Doug Martin, and Zac Stacy have all gone down in crucial match ups. Hell, the only WR I have left from the draft is James Jones, and I haven’t played him in forever.

I’ve had to patch together a squad as the season has gone on, and it’s kinda wearin’ on me.

Last night, in need of huge points, Frank Gore took on the easiest run D in the whole league and came away with 3 fantasy points. Alfred Morris at least got me 5.

wk 12 results

Now, it’s all down to this: a make or break showdown with Don’t Call Me Rodney, who has been on a high-scoring streak as of late and has Marshawn Lynch and Desean Jackson coming off bye. I absolutely have to win to get in, and maybe even score high as well.

wk 12 match upI went into the final weeks of the season feeling uberconfident, only to have that glimmer of hope vanish like a fart in the wind.

Granted, anything better than last place like last year would count as a success, but I desperately want to just have a shot at the title, the Literally Literate Championship belt:

trophy6All I can do is pray to the Fantasy Gods and hope I can finally overcome The Curse of Stevie Johnson.

HEAT or HATE: Perspectives on LeBron James

Maybe it was the Hummer in high school, bought with mysterious funds. Perhaps it was the back tat promising the world that he was the alleged reincarnation of the greatest athlete to ever put an orange thing in another orange thing. Or maybe it’s just because I live in Oklahoma. But either way, LeBron James and his flop-happy, soap-worthy performances have drawn my mire and hopes for defeat.


Don’t get me wrong, James is definitely fun to watch. But I still hate his guts.

This will only happen a few times in your life. But every once in a while, there will be an incredible foe, who–beneath your breath, perhaps with a hand over your mouth–sinks your undying confident heart into the guttural depths of your stomach and makes you go, “Damn.”

I thought for sure the Pacers had his number in game 1, only to see him go straight to the bucket untouched for a game winning layup–something that, if you’re a true baller, is a hard notion to even fathom. But such is the dominant play of James. I can’t describe how many times I’ve felt like the Heat were going to lose, only to see James go off in such and such quarter and break such and such record. The dude is a beast.

And during this playoff run, his electric talent seems to be igniting the fuses of once burned-out players.

Chris “The Birdman” Andersen basically can’t miss, Mario “Rio” Chalmers is once again putting up 20 pts. a contest, and Ray “Insert Shooting Stroke Nickname” Allen is finally off the schnide and sinking three’s and free’s like most of us normal people might forgotten paperwork into a trash bin two feet away.

As I mentioned, I’m from OKC, so obviously, killing my Thunder has been a source of antagonism as of late, but if everyone outside of Miami hates LeBron and the Heat, it is really so bad to pull for whichever team is playing them?

Probably not.

LeBron plays the villain well; he’s grown into it. From once proclaiming the world to anyone in South Beach who would listen, we’ve since seen him on fasts from social media, earnestly reading classic novels in the locker room, inviting Durant to summer workout and mentorship lessons, leading his team to a near perfect win percentage, and slowly climbing the ladder to triple-double playoff greatness.

Honestly, I think I hate the Heat simply because I’m a Thunder fan, and the Heat seem unbeatable. True to their back tats, James has been the “Chosen One,” while Durant is not sure how to be “mature”.

      

It’s hard to admit, but I know I’m not the only fan who feels that way. God, I wish someone could beat this team, just to prove wrong the age old adage that dickfaces, and not good guys, ultimately win in the end.

The guy predicted he would win in grand fashion, and now he is, which would make for a perfect villain in any of the books he reads during the playoffs. But it turns out, sometimes life is just like, or even crazier than, fiction.

GO SPURS!!

Ya Gotta Have Faith: Surviving the Fantasy Basketball Season

“I won my league last year,” a coworker of mine told me when I asked him about fantasy basketball before this, my inaugural season. “I think I was probably the only one still playing.”

The fantasy basketball season is a long and torturous beast, and it seems like just surviving the 20 weeks of the regular season may be the hardest part.


My two leagues are no different. In my roto league, one team, DCMetro Fire started talking shit the very first week.

Beacuse of scheduling of the first games, he had a tremendous lead on all of us. He soon gave up after I stomped the fuck out of his “team,” and now, in the same league, the leader is wondering if anyone is still interested in losing to him.

It’s basically me and him now, and I’m not sure he knows he has a cap on games played.

My coworker was right. But honestly, I think people get too discouraged after losing in basketball because of the extended scoring formula. With games every night, it really takes a lot out of you to lose incredibly slowly over the course of a week. Most people end up leaving the league or just not paying attention. There are a few different types of losers in fantasy basketball:

1) Just draft.–I mean, you drafted players; isn’t that enough?

2) Give up after a few weeks.–Reality check: you’re a soccer fan at heart.

3) Check in every month or so–Keep telling yourself this makes it easier to lose somehow.

Consequently, if you still have a reason to keep playing, there is always that one dick in the group. You know, the one who has 300 more roster moves than everyone else and feels a compulsive desire to fully stock their roster every single game with possible nobodies in a vain attempt to not just win but get the most points each week. This is the type of dickwad I’m currently left with in my friendly league.

The psychology of a dumbass dickface can be difficult for some rational normal people to understand, so let me explain. This person is DESPERATE. No, for real. The chances that this twat is going bananas in 12 other leagues is about 99.9%. Frankly, changing your roster everyday is a real hassle for anyone with more than two friends. The weekends, where you have to wake from a rum coma to move guys off your bench, are the absolute worst. Yet, these guys accomplish all their moves and trades well ahead of time, so that they can accomplish this in every league.

Case in point: friendly league dickface OKC Tornadoes has an average of 400 more moves than anyone else in the league, and he still managed to lose. In fact, his raging trading and dumping has him a whopping 2 games ahead of me, which doesn’t really matter at all since we’re based in 4 different divisions.

Friendly league dickface number 2 and “Saturday Night Live” joke writer your mom is probably just tired of me whoopin’ his ass. He started off the season slowly, but eventually went on a 9-game win streak, which I abruptly ended of course. I’ve beaten him 3 times now, and he seems to be getting desperate for a W. He’s second to me in our division, so I could understand the hatred. He’s also second in moves overall with a hundred plus more than me. I’m up 10 points, and he just cleared his roster out to try and beat me with my 6 players.

So, ultimately, my inaugural fantasy basketball experience has been a tale of two overriding emotions–disappointment in the fact that so many people gave up so quickly and made half of my wins feel hollow and worthless, and pride in the fact that I don’t have to commit every second of my life to a fake sport and can still wipe the floor with fanatical idiots.

Up and down, some might say. But in the end, I’ve had a blast, managed to not talk too much cyber trash, and have been very content with not being a dick.

Personally, I’m just ready for the fantasy playoffs (currently projected as a 3 seed).