Fantasy Basketball Week 6 Review

loser-300x224Well, another week has passed in the fantasy basketball season, and I continue to lose. I currently have the most points against in our league, which doesn’t surprise me, since I write a blog on fantasy sports. Peeps be tryin’ to get at me.

Luckily the team I drafted for my girlfriend continues to absolutely kill it, once again getting the highest point total for the week.

bball wk 6 reviewI’ve got faith in my team, and Kevin Love is coming back this week, after the death of his grandmother, so that should add a cool 100-150 points. My pickups have been great too! If you didn’t notice, ESPN once again followed my lead by suggesting picking up Taj Gibson, after I hyped him up in my last On the Rise segment. I guess this is going to happen every week.

espnNot sure why they haven’t talked up Koufos, but if you’re wondering, ESPN writers, I just picked up Brandon Bass and Andrew Bynum, so go ahead and talk them up next.

Both have paid off so far, and I don’t know why anyone would let rookie Kelly Olynyk back into the starting role in Boston when he comes back from injury. Bass is getting 20 fantasy points every game, and doesn’t look to relinquish his spot. Bynum is always a risk, but damn, he’s been good as of late. I’m hoping he can continue to produce on a double-double type level.

I’m 2-4 right now, but it’s a long, long season. For now, though, I’m living vicariously through the team I picked for my girlfriend.

kylee'sCan anyone stop her reign of dominance? Probably not.


Tuesday Morning Relief: The 5 Stages of Not Making the Fantasy Playoffs

hopelessI missed the playoffs in the Literally Literate FFL this year by 4 pts.

A Ledarius Green TD could have sealed it for me. Would have clinched with a Michael Floyd trash time reception. If Keenan Allen didn’t fumble and Delanie Walker didn’t get concussed, I’d be sittin’ pretty right now.


Instead, I’m playing for fifth. And since I finished fifth, here are the 5 signs of grief commonly discussed in psychology.

Step 1. Denial

This stage includes feelings of shock, numbness, and disbelief. When loss first comes, most of us have a hard time believing “this is really happening.”

Dude! I put everything I f__king had into this season! This was gonna be my comeback year, where I went from last to first. I mean, I was at least in the running for the playoffs! I actually did analysis this summer and kept spreadsheets of my draft and performance this year. I made f__king rankings from scratch each week to help evaluate my competitors. THIS CAN’T BE REAL!

Step 2. Anger

Anger can present itself in a variety of ways—anger at your loved one, at others, at God, at the world, at yourself.  And anger can be a difficult emotion to cope with.

F__k this s__t! F__k Darren Sproles. F__k Andrew Luck. F__k these fake ass helmets and all these concussions.

F__k the Packers. F__k the refs in the Washington game. F__k Steven Jackson. F__k Frank Gore.

And a BIG F__K YOU to Stevie Johnson!

Step 3. Bargaining

With bargaining, there’s a sense that we just want life back to the way it used to be. We wish we could go back in time, catch the illness sooner, see something we didn’t see. We may also feel guilty, focusing on “If only…”.

Four points?! FOUR POINTS?! I seriously coulda had this! I had three chances to seal the deal. Shoulda popped on Bobby Rainey that one week. I picked up Michael Floyd and didn’t start him, whyyyyyy? How could Alfred Morris get absolutely NO second half yards? Shane Vereen for Zac Stacy woulda put me over the top.

Step 4. Depression

Eventually grief will enter on a deeper level, bringing with it intense feelings of emptiness and sadness. We feel like we don’t care about much of anything and wish life would just hurry up and pass on by. Getting out of bed can be a huge burden, exhaustion and apathy can set in, and we may begin to wonder, “what’s the point?” for pretty much everything.

What’s the point of finishing the season? The very fact that a 6-7 team made it in ahead of me proves that this whole sport is absolute luck and bulls__t. I was last place the year before and fifth this year while only winning one more game. Why even bother obsessing with something that isn’t even based on skill? Why even make roster moves? Who cares anymore? F__k this season, man.

Step 5. Acceptance

The experience of “depression” is what leads to “acceptance”. Many people mistakenly believe that “acceptance” means we are “cured” or “all right” with the loss. But this isn’t the case at all. The loss will forever be a part of us, though we will feel it more some times than others. Acceptance simply means we are ready to try and move on—to accommodate ourselves to this world without our loved one.

Well, I did make a few good calls. Julius Thomas and Zac Stacy were nice. I picked up Alshon Jeffery but ended up giving him away. I was the first to hype up Justin Blackmon, who was solid while sober. I jumped on Keenan Allen and got a solid month or so of top ten play outta him. No one really saw Frank Gore being so solid at his age. I don’t know, I really wanted a shot at the belt this year, and all along I felt confident about my chances. Last year I got last, but only missed the playoffs by two games, and this year, I miss out by a mere 4 points. In all seriousness, I didn’t achieve my ultimate goal of the fantasy playoffs this year, but I did make incredible progress. Time to review my season and prepare for next year. Not before I beat the snot outta the consolation bracket, though!

FBB Week 5 Review: A Fairy Tale of Sorts

redemptionRedemption is oh so sweet. And never is the fruit finer than when you smear your girlfriend in some fantasy sports.

I became a God this weekend.

Being exalted to Grand Supreme Leader of the Worsham Apartment is a daydream I’ve often reveled in, during reminiscent moments of silence, pondering what the law of the land would be like if I, a mere mortal of a boyfriend, could somehow demonstrate to the Council my supreme knowledge and unwavering commitment to the mental battlefield of fantasy sport.

For far too long, Maiden Gwartney hath proposeth that she was indeed the immaculate receptor of the true knowledge of fantasy sport, residing quite humbly at the hand of The Great Matthew Berry. But, alas, by the grace of the ancient Scepter of Lineup Changes, so eloquently bequeathed to me upon the Mount of Shooting Percentages by the Great Matthew Berry himself, I was able to defeat the mighty Maiden Gwartney in a head-to-head battle to decide ultimate rule over the citizenry of all of the Worsham Apartment–us and our cat Rachael.

Not actually us. Just pretend I'm Jesus.

Not actually us. Just pretend I’m Jesus.

Victory did not come easily, as Maiden Gwartney absolutely refused to go down early. With two days of games left to play, Maiden Gwartney regaled thine ears with farces of a fanciful nature, reminding yours truly, after a few sips of a mimosa at no where close to brunch time, how she would ultimately best me in our competition for the eternal love of the fantasy god The Great Matthew Berry.

“Shenanigans!” I would cry, in a desperate attempt to trounce her ill-conceived and quite incendiary notions that she at all stood a chance.  We all know that fortune favors the one with the Scepter of Lineup Changes.

And on the seventh day, I rested as my nine players averaged 21 fantasy points, and the Maiden Gwartney was once again toppled in her bid for apartment supremacy.


bball wk 5 results

Week 9 Power Rankings

hard_math.png.scaled500Math is hard, but plugging numbers into a pre-made algorithm is easy! Here’s the Literally Literate Week 9 Power Rankings. The Playoff hunt thickens with only 5 weeks remaining in the regular season, three teams sit at 4-4 while the top 3 are 5-3 or better.

wk 9 power ranks

Making a huge leap this week is Dez Dispenser. Apparently their high score of 171 hints at success further down the road. We shall see…

Literally Literate Week 9 Power Rankings:

1) [Br]eaking [Br]adshaw 147

2) Cousin Vinny’s Escort Services 134

3) Dez Dispenser 121

4) Trophy Wife 119

5) I Pitta the Fool 117

6) Space Invaders 116

7) Team Reese 102

8) The Blair Walsh Project 101

9) Crawrsenal FC 100

10) Don’t Call Me Rodney 98

Tuesday Morning Relief: Straight Scramblin’


scrambled-eggs-su-1017334-lReal rough game, this week. Up against some stiff competition in Spacin’ Vaders, I found myself second guessing my QB decision. I had Terrelle Pryor as my Andrew Luck backup, but I dropped him for Carson Palmer on the waivers, who I then dropped for Alex Smith through free agency, who I then ditched ten minutes to kickoff for Geno Smith, who ended up scoring me 2 pts.


How’d those other guys work out?

Alex Smith 21

Terrelle Pryor 15

Carson Palmer 12

I know, right? BRILLIANT!

Can’t say the news got any better when Julius Thomas went down with an ankle injury, and just last night Zac Stacy went down with an ankle injury.

Add to that the fact that Darren Sproles’ fantasy numbers this year are utterly abysmal.

At least I’ve still got Demaryius Thomas in the stable…

Prolly just jinxed myself.

Here’s how this week’s games turned out.

wk 8 results

Big ups for Dez Dispenser getting the highest point total so far this year! They had Calvin Johnson and Dez Bryant, who both went nutzo. One on the field, and one on the sideline. Golden Tate got a sick taunt in on the Seahawks, who got disrespected by Steve Smith last week.  They also saw Colin Kaepernick return to form. Toss in the Bengals D with 2 pick 6’s and Darren Mcfadden with 2 TD’s, and 171 is gonna be hard for me to beat in week nine!

dez dispThe spots generally remain the same, and in our ESPN page I’m still in the hunt for the playoffs, so hopefully the wire will be good to me this week. Daddy needs a winning streak!