This is What Winning Feels Like

I’ve now advanced to the finals in my Head-2-Head Bball league.

With a brutal spanking, which I’m sure left bruises, to team Lussy Pips, I’m poised to take on the OKC Tornadoes in the championship round of the 2012-13 Fantasy Basketball season.


It’s been a blast this year, and I’m sad to see the fantasy season coming to an end. Yet, as a fan of the game, I’m thoroughly enthralled about the playoffs finally arriving (especially for my hometown OKC Thunder). We don’t have anything but pride on the line in our friendly H2H league, but a lot of teams have continued to play throughout the season, which is more than I can say about my roto league…

In my roto league, it’s basically down to me and one other dude. I have finally surpassed him in games, and I’m still behind in points, so it’s not looking too good.

Getting second in a league of two is not very exciting, especially when losing to someone so oblivious.

I mentioned in an earlier blog how roto league leader, Neptune Nightmares, had no idea that there were caps on games in this league. Apparently, this was true:

But one reason why the fantasy basketball season has been so arduous is the lack of activity.

This year, there were 2 trades in my friendly league and 1 (involving myself) in my roto league. This made all star players virtually untouchable outside of the draft. If you didn’t pick enough all stars, too bad; you weren’t gettin’ any. Not having any big name players on the market really dulled the play of the fantasy bball league, but my friendly league was still competitive till the end.

March Madness has produced mixed results as well.

I finally beat my girlfriend in ESPN’s Tournament Challenge (all of her Final Four picks have been eliminated/I still have Louisville).

Thank Christ. I was actually worried there for a second.

If Louisville won, I won. If The Shockers won, she won.

We went to my parents’ 30th wedding anniversary party last night and watched the Final Four coverage there. My whole family loves my girlfriend and wanted The Shockers to again defy all odds and pull off another victory against a one seed.

Thankfully, you can trust Pitinos further than you can throw ’em. Ol’ Ricky pulled out a come-from-behind W.

“There can be only one…BRACKET WINNER!”

And now, having claimed supreme knowledge of all things college basketball, my girlfriend has to cook me dinner.

Which is more like a punishment, really.

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Ya Gotta Have Faith: Surviving the Fantasy Basketball Season

“I won my league last year,” a coworker of mine told me when I asked him about fantasy basketball before this, my inaugural season. “I think I was probably the only one still playing.”

The fantasy basketball season is a long and torturous beast, and it seems like just surviving the 20 weeks of the regular season may be the hardest part.


My two leagues are no different. In my roto league, one team, DCMetro Fire started talking shit the very first week.

Beacuse of scheduling of the first games, he had a tremendous lead on all of us. He soon gave up after I stomped the fuck out of his “team,” and now, in the same league, the leader is wondering if anyone is still interested in losing to him.

It’s basically me and him now, and I’m not sure he knows he has a cap on games played.

My coworker was right. But honestly, I think people get too discouraged after losing in basketball because of the extended scoring formula. With games every night, it really takes a lot out of you to lose incredibly slowly over the course of a week. Most people end up leaving the league or just not paying attention. There are a few different types of losers in fantasy basketball:

1) Just draft.–I mean, you drafted players; isn’t that enough?

2) Give up after a few weeks.–Reality check: you’re a soccer fan at heart.

3) Check in every month or so–Keep telling yourself this makes it easier to lose somehow.

Consequently, if you still have a reason to keep playing, there is always that one dick in the group. You know, the one who has 300 more roster moves than everyone else and feels a compulsive desire to fully stock their roster every single game with possible nobodies in a vain attempt to not just win but get the most points each week. This is the type of dickwad I’m currently left with in my friendly league.

The psychology of a dumbass dickface can be difficult for some rational normal people to understand, so let me explain. This person is DESPERATE. No, for real. The chances that this twat is going bananas in 12 other leagues is about 99.9%. Frankly, changing your roster everyday is a real hassle for anyone with more than two friends. The weekends, where you have to wake from a rum coma to move guys off your bench, are the absolute worst. Yet, these guys accomplish all their moves and trades well ahead of time, so that they can accomplish this in every league.

Case in point: friendly league dickface OKC Tornadoes has an average of 400 more moves than anyone else in the league, and he still managed to lose. In fact, his raging trading and dumping has him a whopping 2 games ahead of me, which doesn’t really matter at all since we’re based in 4 different divisions.

Friendly league dickface number 2 and “Saturday Night Live” joke writer your mom is probably just tired of me whoopin’ his ass. He started off the season slowly, but eventually went on a 9-game win streak, which I abruptly ended of course. I’ve beaten him 3 times now, and he seems to be getting desperate for a W. He’s second to me in our division, so I could understand the hatred. He’s also second in moves overall with a hundred plus more than me. I’m up 10 points, and he just cleared his roster out to try and beat me with my 6 players.

So, ultimately, my inaugural fantasy basketball experience has been a tale of two overriding emotions–disappointment in the fact that so many people gave up so quickly and made half of my wins feel hollow and worthless, and pride in the fact that I don’t have to commit every second of my life to a fake sport and can still wipe the floor with fanatical idiots.

Up and down, some might say. But in the end, I’ve had a blast, managed to not talk too much cyber trash, and have been very content with not being a dick.

Personally, I’m just ready for the fantasy playoffs (currently projected as a 3 seed).

FBB Strategery

What’s the purpose of life?

Trophies.

Frankly, I feel jipped, not getting a medal, when I drop a big deuce in the toilet. Ergo, the only true purpose of fantasy sports is to win big. And one of the most critical components of not sucking is understanding your league’s scoring system.


So there’s this guy in my fantasy basketball league…

Great guy–love him to death. His ol’ lady is in the league with us, and she too is fantastical. She’s actually doing really well, early on in the FBB season.

But he…ahem, kinda sucks.

It’s not the fact that his girl is beating him that is surprising to me, though. This kid is crazy intelligent. He’s one of those cool/nerdy dudes that’s covered in tattoos but can hard wire the entire defense system for a small country’s army.

Need Halo 4 before it’s released in stores? No problem.

REO Speedwagon’s entire discography on flash drive? He’s the man.

The guy has no cable but more channels than I do! Yet he can’t figure out the scoring of our fantasy basketball league.

I can’t blame him, though. Our league is somewhat custom, but is based off of your standard Head-to-Head (H2H) match up; that is, two players going mano a mano for 7 days:

The key to our H2H scoring system is that we lose a point for every attempted field goal or free throw. This makes field goal and free throw percentages crucial to your game. A decision you may have to weigh is what I like to call the “PG quandary.” That is, you have to weigh a players assets against his detriments. For example, Russell Westbrook averages 8-9 assists per game, but he dishes out more turnovers than a bakery and shoots a horrific .293 in losses and a tepid .433 in wins. The decision here is whether or not his overall point total and assists will be enough to overcome his turnovers and missed field goals.

The other league I’m in has a Rotisserie or “Roto” scoring system. I actually prefer this system, because it allows you to take a peak at your performance and know exactly what key pieces you’re missing. Here’s how things are shaping up so far in my roto league:

As you can see, I needed help to overcome a deficit in my FG and FT percentages, as well as assists. This comes back to the PG quandary. Who else, but a PG, can dish out assists? But how do you compensate for the terrible shooting of the PG?

In both leagues (H2H and Roto), the best way to fix your weaknesses is through acquisitions.

And this is where my genius friend hits a mental roadblock.

Yes, dropping a player, means dropping him from your roster…for real…as in, he’s gone. But who the hell cares? In H2H, they usually set the acquisition limit to 7 to prevent an all-out bench clearing, simply for added points on the last day of the match up. Our league has no such limit. Either way, to sit someone making you points or to not replace someone who’s not scoring is just ludicrous! MAKE MOVES. With H2H lineups, you should be rational and cold-hearted. Let’s face it, points are points, and winning your weekly match up is all that matters toward making the playoffs, luck be damned.

His girlfriend seemed to get it (she’s 2-0; he’s 0-2).

With Roto scoring, although there is usually no limit on acquisitions, you may just have to be patient. I chose to offset the horrible shooting percentages of Russell Westbrook and Greivis Vasquez wth the higher percentages of PF’s and C’s the likes of DeAndre Jordan and Bucks up-and-comer Larry Sanders. This way, I get the insane assist numbers while keeping my FG percentage somewhat normal, thanks to the dunks and layups of my big men. These are players that you are invested in for the long haul. So ideally, the law of stats will always play out, and the ball will never lie. One or two bad games in a row will not kill you, and sitting a player is much better than losing them here. The goal is overall strength, so assessing your progression and rationale are vital.

So to all the cool/nerdy persons trying to figure it out, acquire, acquire, ACQUIRE!